Im not having the best time right now. Im going to be blunt, im shitting razor blades. After a few weeks of high-normal mixed with hypomania, then a week of solid hypomania, this week it seems to be the one where my control is slipping. Mania is coming up on me and its starting to scare me. 

Its not the nice kind of mania, the happy-go-lucky, everythings awesome and i have a million good ideas kind of mania. Its what's known as dysphoric mania, literally the opposite of the stereotypical euphoric mania. I dont have these very often, but when i do its hell. Its either that or im slipping into some kind of crazy mixed episode (please, please, NO!). 

Dysphoric mania is unpleasant, to put it mildly. Imagine feeling like shit about yourself, your life and everything, thinking everyone is out to get you, having paranoid thoughts and delusions, but having all the crazy energy that comes with mania. Im super irritable, snapping at Josh over the slightest thing and the paranoia is starting to get out of control. Two nights ago i lay awake for hours (even with the seroquel) because i could hear someone (wearing heavy boots, no less!) pacing around outside our bedroom door. I couldnt even move to alert Josh because i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if i made a sound he/ she/ it was going to come into our bedroom and kill us. Last night i took a double dose of seroquel just because i wanted to sleep, and not have the insane paranoia again. So today im fuzzy and out of it, and really not feeling good at all.

Poor Josh copped it earlier because he was messing about, dancing about whenever i turned to my laptop (so i could just see out of my peripheral vision), then stopping every time i turned back to him. I asked him what he was doing and he said "nothing", so i went back to my laptop, and he started dancing. I asked him if he was dancing and he smiled and said no. He was mildly surprised when i started to cry and loudly reminded him he was messing with a woman who sees things that sometimes arent there. I then yelled at him to tell me once and for all, WHAT WAS HE DOING?! He apologised and said yes, he was dancing, but now he feels like a jerk because of what i said.

We are not easy people to live with, thats for sure.

Anyway, i wanted this to be a real account of bipolar disorder, and it doesnt get any more real than this, folks.