Im about to Get Real... Apologies...
Tonight i spent the evening with a friend and her baby daughter... i had a great evening, but something hit me hard. Seeing her with her child, they have such a lovely close relationship. So much love between them, and i realised this is a relationship i will likely never have. Between carbamazepine and its propensity for birth defects, the fact that coming off meds for the duration of conception and pregnancy would likely result in me going crazy and ending up hospitalized and the fact that i would likely pass the bipolar on to my child... having kids isnt looking like an option for me.
Adoption is something we have talked about, but still there are things to think about. What if Josh is deployed and i go crazy again, and end up in hospital? What happens to that poor kid? Plus, would adoption agencies consider a couple where the husband is in the forces and the wife is mentally ill?
Im ok about it most of the time... just nights like tonight when i see how happy and fulfilled others are by having kids that part of me aches again, almost like a phantom limb.
I dunno... i think im just having one of those nights where i want to have a family so bad it almost hurts.
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